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Private Equity Will Soon Know Which Of Your Ancestors Owned Slaves

With Main Street still largely in disarray, despite the billions of dollars left in Fed-backed lending programs for small and medium-sized businesses and Ice Cube asking “where’s our f**king bailout?”, we imagine the millions of newly impoverished Americans can appreciate the fact that America’s jet-setting private equity barons are still doing their thing. After all, a pandemic is trivial compared with Steve Schwarzman’s insatiable lust for more – more assets, more capital, more recognition.

As America’s obsession with race and lineage intensifies thanks to the left’s embrace of ‘identity politics’, Schwarzmann has found a clever way to cash in on this trend, by paying top dollar for Ancestry.com. In a $4.5 billion deal – a staggering number, especially considering that Silver Lake and Singapore’s Sovereign Wealth Fund acquired their majority stake for just $2.6 billion 4 years ago.

Though GIC will retain a significant minority stake, the deal appears to be a play for a quick IPO turnaround (though they may need to move quickly).

Since Blackstone is buying a relatively mature company with a huge marketing budget and a DNA network of 18 million people, we suspect Schwarzman’s plan is to pray that the market holds up (we’ll see what his buddy Jerome Powell has to say about that during his virtual Jackson Hole speech), at least long enough for Blackstone to take Ancestry.com public, and saddle retail investors with any long-term losses.

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